Cashiers: The Post Office Version

Today I went to the post office to mail out the NWT Hollister hoodie I sold on eBay. I picked out a bubble mailer, wrote out the address, and stood on line to wait for the next available post office person.

Finally it was my turn. I go up to the counter, put my package on the scale and wait patiently. The post office I frequent is slow as molasses and I have learned to just allot more time than I think I will need and keep my mouth shut (I had a run in with an angry postal lady a few months ago, and I'm trying to avoid getting verbally assaulted again).

As I stand there, I notice that the postal lady that is helping me get postage on my package looks like she recently ate a lemon. Not a moment after pondering her lips, the following conversation took place:

Random Post Office Worker: Helen, do you know where that book of heart stamps went?

Helen (i.e. Lemon Lips): Maybe the dogs took it! (Helen giggles and looks at me, pointing to her curled under lips.)

Helen (i.e. Lemon Lips): My dog stole my teeth! He just took them and ran away! (Laughs, hard)

Me: Oh, really? (Trying not to laugh in Helen's face)

Helen (i.e. Lemon Lips) - with glee: Yup, and now my cell phone is missing. I think my other dog stole it! Those dogs are ordering pizza! (Makes hand into a phone and puts it to her ear) Hi, pizza man! This is Rufus! I'd like some pepperoni pizza please!

Me: Oh.... um...

Helen (i.e. Lemon Lips): Here (extends arm towards my face) Rufus wants to know if you want pizza, too.

Me: Oh, not today... just want to pay for my postage.....

Helen (i.e. Lemon Lips): Well, ok then. (Talks to phone hand) Not today, Rufus, just get whatever you want and put it on my credit card. (Pauses) Oh, you have my credit card, too? Great! (Hangs up phone hand. Looks at me) What were we doing?

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Cashiers just don't quit

Note: This quote comes from a store employee, not a cashier, but still.... inappropriately wonderful.

This morning I was in CVS specifically to get a passport picture (sidenote: not going anywhere good; just need to get my passport updated with my married name while it's still free to do so). I really had no intentions of looking for anything else, but when the lady said "OK, it'll be ready in 15 minutes", I really had no choice. i mean, was I going to stand around the 1 hour photo desk for 15 minutes? No.

So I wandered around and happened upon the "family planning" aisle. The world of pregnancy tests and ovulation predictor kits is currently quite fascinating (to me, anyway), and I ended up kneeling down so I could read the side of the basal body thermometer box. As I was doing so, a CVS employee turned down my aisle, sees me (I'm the only other one in the aisle), and says:

"Yeah, girl! I know what you're doing - congratulations, sweet thing! Yeah, girl, you get some - yeeeaaaaaahhhhhh. Congratulations!"

Hmmm. For one, no congratulations are in order just yet. Unless he was congratulating me on "getting some". Then in that case... um, thanks?

Seriously, another cashier story.

Let me set the scene for you:

I'm in line at the grocery store. There is a man infront of me who looks suspiciously like Stanley Hudson from The Office. The man's grocery items are being scanned by the cashier.

Stanley looks as me and says "Oprah's gotten pretty hefty, huh?" I glance at the tabloid he's holding, smile and nod in his direction, and continue unloading my items onto the belt. After I finish unloading my groceries, I have no choice but to stand there and wait. Stanley's groceries are still being scanned by the cashier. No one is talking.

All of a sudden, Stanley says, "Today is my mother's birthday." The cashier looks at Stanley, smiles and says, "That's great. Tell her I said happy birthday."

Stanley awkwardly replies, "Well, I would. But she's dead."

The teenage cashier is obviously caught off-guard and mumbles an apology. Stanley then says, "Don't worry, I was just kidding. Well, not totally. She is dead, but I'll give her your message."

Oh my.

Another good cashier story

Last night I went into CVS with the intent of buying some lady products.

Know what? Let's stop here for a moment. This is probably going to be way too much information for most people, so I'm going to give you a minute to think about whether or not you need to read this.

Still with me?

OK, so I went to CVS last night to buy some tampons. I normally just get the little pack, as I don't really have the space at my house to store these things in bulk but last night they had a deal going that I truly couldn't pass up. They had the HUGE 40 count boxes of the good tampons for two boxes for $10 with $3 CVS Bucks back. So essentially, thats 80 tampons for $7. Even I know that's a Good Deal and I am Bad At Math. So I grab 2 boxes and head towards the register.

Except then I see that all of the Easter candy is like 60% off, and I remember that Ryan had asked me to look for the Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs. They don't have any, but I do pick up a few bags of Dove chocolate eggs to stock the candy bowl on my desk at work. I always forget to buy candy for that bowl, and when I do remember, I always want to buy new lip gloss for me rather than little chocolates for other people (and by other people I mean me when I'm bored at my desk). At 60% off, the bags were like $1.50, so I felt like $3 for two bags wasn't terrible (and I had just bought a new lip gloss the day before so there wasn't any I particularly needed).

So here I am at the register with two HUGE boxes of tampons and two rather large bags of Dove chocolate. I plop them both down on the counter and the CVS woman looks at me and says:

"Looks like it's gonna be a rough week, huh."

Thanks for the advice.

Today I went to a 7-11 on my way home from work. I was super thirsty, so I got a huge bottle of water... the huge, huge (like 32 oz) size. Then on my way to the register, I got a huge cup of ice. I really like my water arctic cold, so sometimes I like to fill a slurpee cup full to the top with ice and then pour in water, which I then sip through a straw. Honestly, I hate water so anything that makes it tolerable is worth it.

So I go to the cashier with my huge thing of water and a cup filled with just ice. I am in line behind a gentleman who is having a conversation with the male cashier. they appear to be friends. The cashier motions that I can put my items on the counter. I do. He looks at my water and then at my empty cup. The following conversation then took place:


Guy in line ahead of me: That's a lot of water.
Me: I know. I need to drink more water.
Cashier: Yeah, you need to drink water or else your pee stinks.
Guy in line ahead of me: (looks at cashier) Yo, WHAT?
Cashier: Yeah, son, you don't drink enough water and your pee starts smelling like a freakin' zoo. Like a wild animal an' shit.
Me: Thanks for the advice.



So just to recap....

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