Thursday, September 16, 2010

Birth Class #1

Apparently it's an expectation that when you go to birth class, you are an adult who isn't going to snort and giggle through the entire first part (and some of the second part) of your birth class.

Major FAIL for us. Whoops.

So we get to the medical pavilion at 7pm for our 2.5 hour class (only 4 more weeks to go!) and I am vaguely stressed. We brought our 2 pillows and blanket and giggled about how the instructor was going to be super crunchy and the class was going to be like every single cliched birthing class you have ever seen in any movie or Teen Special. We get into the class to find 9 other couples, similar in age to us, sitting in a semi-circle.

Here's the thing - I didn't come here to share. I came to get the information, make sure my husband has some idea of what's about to happen (in holy shit like 6.5 weeks), and get out. I did not come to share, and semi-circle seating screams "we're SHARING!!!"

OBVIOUSLY the first thing we do is get into groups, introduce ourselves, our baby, and where we work (why?), and then we have to pick a couple to introduce to the crowd. Fine. The couple we introduced was having a boy, and upon hearing ours was a baby girl, the mom promptly looks at her husband and says "BUT THATS WHAT I WANTED!!".


So we get the introductions out of the way. The next thing we have to share: Why are we here?

Here, where? Like in this room? Or in this class? You really want to know why I signed up for birthing class?

Because I am PREGNANT and that is WHAT YOU DO.

So the first couple breaks the ice and the mom basically says "I'm here because it's my first and I think you're just supposed to do this". The husband says "To get knowledge".


Then it's our turn. I say "Because you're supposed to" and my wonderful husband says "Because she told me to". It's true. I did tell him he had to. Apparently he broke the ice for the guys though, because every single one of them that came next said "Because she told me to". Except for the one idiot who said "Because she'd KILL me if I didn't come". Note: he was also tapping away on his Blackberry during this conversation. I assume the car ride home was not fun for them.

So finally we are done sharing. We have only been in class for 30 minutes. Another 2 hours to go.

Next we are asked if we know what a uterus is. I would say that if you made it to birthing class, you probably know the various parts of your body. I cannot look at Ryan, because I know if I do, I will laugh because this class is exactly like the movies, except that we're in it. So we discuss the uterus and cervix and placenta.

And then she says "Does anyone know what kegels are?"

Everyone looks at the ground.

She then goes on to explain, in graphic detail, what they are. She has us all get to the edge of our chairs, feet spread apart, and she says, "OK, men, the first thing you need to do is relax the area between your scrotum and anus".

And then I absolutely died laughing. I snorted, covered my face, and giggled like the hugest a-hole. Thankfully I broke the ice on that, because a few of the guys started laughing as well. They got yelled at by their wives.... my husband and I continued to giggle together. In a semi-circle so everyone could see.

It was bad.

It was so bad that by the time she was explaining how to hold your muscles in similar fashion to an elevator (?) I had to leave the room because I couldn't stop laughing.

I am fairly certain I am not mature enough to be someones mother. I am also fairly certain that if this shit continues next week, I'm going to be asked to leave.

The rest of the class was fairly benign: we watched a movie that semi made me cry (baby is dreaming now?? AWWWWWWWW), did some stretching exercises, and then timed fake contractions.

Post-class we went out for ice cream (me) and wings (him), watched the Yankees game (they were ahead... and then they lost), and marveled at the fact that a baby will be here in a matter of weeks. And this is where I'll be the sap that says yes, the birth class was stupid... but we giggled through it together and then went out for dessert (where we giggled more). I'd say it was an evening well spent.


Joanna B. @ Newlywed Tales said...

This was so funny! I laughed out loud for sure!

Product Junkie said...

I love it! So funny! I need to sign us up for those dreaded classes and I keep puuting it off...

Dana said...

That sounds just like my birth class! Hahahahahahaha

Yeah...i totally didn't get the introducing another couple in my class either...what was the point?

can't wait to hear how the rest of them go....if they continue to be like mine...remember it's ok to close your eyes during the videos....sometimes all that sharing is way TOO much :)

MayLove said...

This was hilarious! I always wondered if they were as terrible as they are portrayed on TV, guess so. I think if we ever have kids, I'll just look this stuff up in a book, or internet. Which brings up a good point... why DON'T they have these classes on the internet? They have driving school online, why not birthing classes? I mean really, if I had to sit there and listen to someone ask me if I know what a uterus was I'd slap her. For real, it would irritate the crap out of me. By no means do I think that you're not mature enough to be a parent b/c you giggled through this class. It sounds ridiculous, and totally deserved to be giggled at. I'm glad you were yourself, and made a nice night out of it. Sounds like you made a lot of other people more comfortable, and I'm sure they appreciated it. (I'm also sure blackberry guy got a stern talking to at the very least. What a terd. Good luck with him lady!)

Nadine said...

Oh boy! Now I'm scared, lol I have my first class tonight!

Cuz Kim said...

One of your best blogs yet!! :-)

Anonymous said...

I stumbled across your blog recently, and I am so glad that I did! Hilarious ... Congrats on your baby =)

Katie said...

Really funny!! We have our first class this weekend. I got stressed just reading that you had to share and introduce another couple. EEK! I hope we don't have to do that! =P

Grace Matthews said...

My husband fell asleep in our birthing class because he had to work the night before...all the mother's looked at me like they felt sorry for me for putting up with such an a-hole. We watched a video about giving birth -- don't watch that one.

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